Thursday, November 15, 2012

So that's what stressed feels like

I have always prided myself in the fact that I tend to keep cool in stressful situations and don't let a whole lot get to me. I have almost endless patience and I take everything in stride. Well the last couple of days I sure have discovered that when it comes to my kids, I can stress out!

I have been trying to ignore it, but fact of the matter is, my maternity leave is coming to an end. I am so thankful to live in a country that allows us to take off a whole year to be with our babies. I cannot imagine pawning off my baby to a babysitter/daycare at 6 weeks old! How can your child bond with you if they spend all of their time with a stranger? It blows my mind. So thank-you Canada, for being awesome. Apparently a year can fly by just as quickly as 6 weeks can. Hannah's first year I felt was leisurely. It was amazing. I still cried every night in the weeks leading up to my return to work mind you haha, but it FELT like a year. Now Max is closing in on 10 months old and I have absolutely no idea where time went. None. How is it already November? 

How was this almost 10 months ago?

I have been feeling a little bit anxious about returning to work in the new year. I didn't know where I was going to be working because we have moved cities so I wouldn't be going back to my old workplace. I didn't know where the kids are going to go. How exactly can a family afford to have their kids in daycare? Honestly! It's so expensive! I was fortunate enough to qualify for daycare subsidy when Hannah was in last year, but I don't qualify for full coverage any more, and who knows how long I will be sitting on the waiting list for partial subsidization. So that is stress that I know is there, but I don't really allow it much place in my mind because it is so far away. (or so it seemed!)

Now I have the opportunity to take on a job with the same company I worked for before, only taking over my own branch as manager. The pay is significantly higher than it was as an associate. I can't exactly say no to a job that I already mostly know. The only kicker is that the position would be starting in probably early December. Aka 2 weeks. Aka I am so not emotionally ready. I have been preparing myself for January... I am so very thankful for the opportunity, and I am not going to turn it away, but I am sick. I have been slacking on the bottle training AND the sleep training. Will daycare be patient with him? Will they give him the cuddles he needs to try and fall asleep for his naps? Will they help him learn how to use his bottle if he hasn't mastered it? 

It will be a real good thing in the long run, and I know once a week goes by, and we are in the swing of things, it will be great. Hannah thrived in daycare. I want the same for Max. Due to his sleep problems and inability to take a bottle, I haven't been without him for more than a few hours at a time. He needs to get used to being apart from me. It will be healthy for all of us. I just need to think of the positives. It is hard though, when I love being home with them so much.

Anyways, I feel a bit better now that I have had this little chance to get my thoughts out in the open. I haven't really allowed myself to spend a lot of time thinking about it because I would just start stressing out and getting upset. Now that I have it all typed out, it doesn't seem so daunting. Life will continue business as usual. And the extra money in our pockets will get us that much closer to our down payment (I hope!)

I guess a better question would be how was this 3 1/2 years ago?!

I just have to remember that I got myself all worked up and made such a big deal about going back to work after my maternity leave with Hannah, and once I was there, I enjoyed the break and interacting with adults. Moms go back to work every day and I know it will all be ok :)

But for now I am going to make a big deal about it because that's how it feels to me :)


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